Will I ?

It's been about 2 weeks now since I've finished uni. Part of me is glad I don't have to deal with anymore of uni stuff. But major part of me is scared of what's ahead of me. I'm facing major fears  and I don't usually discuss it with anyone.

It's kinda good to know what you want to do at early age. I knew early that I wanted to do music , there were no confusion. But the bad thing is , to have dedicated those years to music I have no other choice. I've been avoiding this topic for so long.....but I'm scared if I don't make it in the industry what would I do ??? That's one reasons why I'm scared to go home. I finally have to face it  , but I don't know if I had enough strenght for this....

I have given up so many things in my life for music , but now  i'm scared. After I went through so many disappointment in my life I'm starting to lose faith in myself. 

I know one day I'll find the answer , I guess it's just one of those nights when I need to know that there're people out there that's support me. Life doesn't get any easier , in fact it gets harder as you grew older  but when you have supports it seems to me ok.

It's not easy to admit what you really fear of in life , I know my fears are nothing comparing to someone else , for example someone who has life threatrening  illness , or a friend of those who has one. I remember watching a documentory about one of my very favorite composer Jonathan Larson. Jonathan's best friend Matt is HIV positive  and Jonathan was scared of losing his friend to the disease. One day Matt took Jonathan to a Friends in Deed meeting which provided support for those dying from  life treatening physical illness and for someone who has close ones that were dying of illness. Jonathan Larson started attending the meeting regularly and one day he has witness something.....a fear that we all share. When a young man raised his hand and said " I'm not afraid of dying and I think I can handle suffering but the thing that I've been thinking of all the time is "Will I lose my dignity?" .....  suddenly it's became something that we all shared in common and Jonathan wrote a song called "Will I?"

"Will I lose my dignity ?Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"

Soul Child